Automatic phone script from the Psychiatric Hotline:

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly..
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2..
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, and 5..
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace the call and come to your house..
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a tiny little voice will tell you which number to press.
• And if you are manic-depressive, it just doesn't matter which number you press. No one wants to talk to you anyway.